This Thursday's world changer, Deb Goodman's novel, "Billionaire Doctor" was the #1 Bestseller on Amazon! Deb is more than a prolific author of fun and romantic novels. She also writes articles, edits for authors like me, and is a regular member of our Storymakers Critique group! I asked Deb why she is committed to writing only sweet, and clean fiction. She said,"I want to be sure my books reflect God’s love for his children. I wouldn’t ever want to write something that...
I will never forget the moment I realized that everything I believed about my sweet life was wrong and that I needed to leave behind my marriage, my adorable little home, and essentially everything I was or thought I was. I stood in a therapist’s office on the phone. I was calling my mother to ask her to watch my children overnight so I could go home for the last time and pack to leave my innocence and shattered hopes. The conversation went something like this…
“Hi Mom. Can you keep the girls one more night?”
“How long is this going to take, Shannon? I have a lot of things to do.”
“An eternity, mom.”
The line was silent. She knew where I was. She knew what I meant.
At that moment in time, more than anything on earth, all I needed was someone to hold me and tell me we would be okay. That we might be homeless and helpless, but that they would be there for us and that our Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost would never, ever, leave our side. But that isn’t what happened.
Heaven will forever bless my family. Even though my parents had their hands full, they made room for us. And may God forever bless the members of my mother’s church, who knew me as a young woman, and never doubted me or my decisions.
But, may Heaven forgive the people at church who said the darndest things.
I wish I could say that my experience of having people at church make unbelievable statements is rare. It isn’t. Survivors of domestic abuse, infidelity, spousal addiction, and those of us who struggle to keep difficult marriages together, and all the other things life throws at us, have heard it all.
Have you ever said something to someone at church and regretted it? I know I have. Do you wonder what to say to your fellow church members who are struggling with challenges like mine? Or do you wonder why people care so much about what other people say? Shouldn’t we just buck up, get over it, and do what is right?
Five months into my divorce, I rented a house and began attending church in a new town. They had all seen the single mother and her five small children move in. From the moment I crossed the threshold at the neighborhood church, people said the darndest things. Here is a short list:
“Have you ever been to church before?”
“I heard you’re divorced. There are two sides to every story.”
“I think people should try harder.”
“You should go home and put your marriage together as God intended.”
And, “Why did you marry him? There are always signs. You should have known.”
Gradually I stopped talking to people. Eventually, I would randomly go to my mother’s church. At one point, I stopped talking to anyone at all except a kind neighbor and my family. Then, to avoid a complete mental breakdown, I began hiring a sitter so I could run once a day because my therapist said it would help.
My sweet father held a garage sale so he could buy me very expensive Nike running shoes and the best in Nike running gear for the over one hundred degree summer temperatures. One of the local clergy said a prayer in a meeting, and in the prayer blessed that I would stop running through town in shorts (honestly. I would have laughed if I wasn’t so concerned for the clergy’s mental health).
I am tough. In fact, I have pretty thick skin. The topper will not be repeated here. Suffice it to say, I left the church and didn’t return for more than a year.
I wish I could say I was alone. Recently, I have spoken to several women who are struggling with the things family, friends, and church members are saying to them at their most vulnerable moments.
I had come to church, bruised, beaten, broken to fill my soul and find connection and sisterhood. I had found something I would learn later was, “Victim Blaming.”
We have all done it. We have seen a couple in our little church get divorced. It rocks us. We look at them and wonder what happened. We think things like, if it happened to them, could it happen to me? They seemed so perfect.
Then, out of fear, we look for ways we are different. We think and actually say things to each other like, “It happened to them because he drinks. We don’t drink so it can’t happen to us. I would have left him too, the poor Alcoholic.” or worse, “Of course he cheated on her. Have you seen how she treats him or keeps house?”
We are engaging in typical victim blaming. It is more obvious, when we examine situations containing abuse. It is easier to see when people say things like, “She was sexually assaulted because of how she dressed.” She was sexually assaulted because the perpetrator made the choice to assault her. Only one person is responsible. The person who hurt her.
Victim blaming is how we make sense of our world. If random abuse can happen to people due to other’s random agency or choices, then we might get hurt. But, if we can find the reason it happened to “someone else” we can exclude ourselves from harm. We look for the difference between us and them, because it is like looking for Dumbo’s magic feather.
As survivors, we are already looking for a way it is our fault. It is our fault because we are loud, fat, or made bad choices. Just like others, who victim blame, we are desperately seeking a way to make sense of the senseless.
Here is what Elise Lopez, a researcher said in DomesticViolence.org’s article, Why We Blame Victims for Domestic Violence:
“Why do some people jump to blame the victim? At its core,…victim-blaming is about self-preservation.
Compare these reactions to how some people respond to seeing a photo of an overweight person, says Lopez. “People think, ‘If I were overweight, I’d go to the gym every day and I would lose that weight.’ They don’t think about how hard that would be,” she says. …They think if somebody is being abused, they probably did something to incite it.” In essence, if people can find a reason why abuse is the victim’s fault, then abuse is something that can not only be controlled but prevented. And, in turn, it won’t happen to them.”
So, what do you say to people whose lives are falling apart?
Speak honestly, from the heart. You don’t understand. You can’t, unless you have lived their life. Only one person understands, the Savior. Avoid judgment. Try to be a judgement free and shame free friend. Leave the judgment to the Savior.
Things to say to domestic violence or sexual assault survivors:
- I am glad you survived.
- It isn’t your fault.
- Whatever decision you make, I will support you. I know you know what is best for you.
- I may not know how you feel, but I am here to (list anything you are willing to offer including time, provide service, be a friend, always be by their side).
- Listen (No words necessary).
We all have friends who are making serious decisions or engaged in heartbreaking challenges. LDS Living’s article, The LDS Divorce Experience talks about members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. They share statistics which show prior to divorce nine percent of those surveyed were less active and eight percent were not attending church. After, six percent occasionally went, eight percent had a short period away (that was me), six percent stopped going, and then two percent increased their activity.
Interestingly, even though I was too tender to deal with the looks, the words, the strange things people said, I personally felt an increase of the spirit. Although, I was wrestling with who I was and how I wanted to live; I prayed more, read my scriptures more, and felt the sweet peace of the Savior’s love for me in miracle after miracle. I admire the two percent who increased their activity and developed the ability to seek what they needed to connect and heal. Maybe, because I write, words mattered too much to me.
During the years I was putting my life back together, I develop compassion for people who struggle. I gradually got my feet back underneath me. I was not only running for sanity; I was running towards the Savior. I experienced the mightiest miracles during my darkest times.
While I was still inactive, I was blessed to have the rare opportunity to meet with an Apostle in my church, President James E. Faust. President Faust spent an hour asking me about my experience as a sister in the church during my trials. At the end of the meeting, he very gently asked me why I was inactive. I shared the things that had been said and transpired. He was straightforward and honest in his opinion. he was compassionate and caring.
He said the darndest thing. “Why aren’t you active?” Four little words said with love and compassion, a listening ear, and an honest response.
That was it. I went back.
People say the darndest things. Things like, “I love you,” or “I don’t care what you choose, I will be here for you.”
“The reality is, the depth of our relationships is correlated to the time in which we’re willing to spend together. It’s marked by our honesty and vulnerability with one another, by the things we have in common, and in our service to one another.” MultiplyGoodness.com
When I asked Michael Grant why he writes clean or inspirational non-fiction, he answered in a sentence that resonates with me and I am betting a few other authors I know. Michael’s one complete sentence:
“Because for me there is no other way.”
Well said, Michael.
Michael Grant is a fascinating author with an interesting history. He was preparing to become a Catholic priest when he was introduced to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Book of Mormon. Initially, the Mormon missionaries got nowhere with him because they did not know the Bible scriptures that substantiated their doctrine. Once the missionaries found a member who knew the Bible, Michael learned that their doctrine was true.
I am always fascinated by conversion stories. Michael’s story is meaningful to me, because I recognize that he had to walk away from everything he knew and planned to do, like many converts. But in Michael’s case he also had to end a commitment to a job and culture that would have filled all of his days for the rest of his life. And yet, he had the courage to walk away from the safety of the familiar, for something he believed in. Once again, he has committed himself to his belief and the Lord.
On September 17, 1966, Michael was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
He served a two-year Stake mission, taught Gospel Principles and Gospel Doctrine classes, served in the Stake Sunday School Presidency and High Priest Group Leadership, and since 2009 has served as an Ordinance Worker in the San Diego California Temple.
Since his conversion to the LDS Church, he has regularly taught with the full-time missionaries and witnessed the same pattern over and over – investigators wanting support from the Bible and missionaries that only knew the Book of Mormon. It has since been Michael’s goal to help the missionaries learn and teach LDS doctrine from the Bible.
Michael’s professional life has been one of an entrepreneur and business owner. He has started and owned five businesses in the fields of aviation, electronics, and finance.
Michael and his wife live in Murrieta California. They have six children and twelve grandchildren, and a fan in Seaside, Oregon – me.
So! If you are preparing your teen for a mission or you are thinking about going yourself, here is the scoop on what people think about the book and where to find it!
Based on the testimonials received about Bible Verses; every full-time missionary, every ward missionary, every mission prep student, every mission prep instructor, every stake and ward mission leader, …. every member of the LDS Church needs to read and use this book.
“Brother Grant, we have had tremendous success with the Bible Verses Book. We have been using it for about 5 months, or more now and it has helped to increase our missionaries confidence in their ability to teach and relate to the people of the South.
Most of our missionaries come out with very little knowledge or understanding of the Bible and it has been very hard to get new contacts to listen to them, if they can’t show them where the Bible supports the Doctrine, that we are teaching. PMG has several of these scripture references as well, but the Bible Verses Book has them organized in a way that allows the missionary to access the information on the spot.
As I mentioned earlier, it has helped the missionaries with their confidence, which in turn has helped them to teach better. It has been a valuable resource and contribution to our huge increase in finding new people.
I hope this helps and thanks for putting it together for our missionaries.”
Norman E Hansen
President, Arkansas Little Rock Mission
Additional testimonials from missionaries, mission presidents, stake presidents, bishops, and other members of the church can be read on Brother Grant’s website.
Michael Grant’s book is found at Deseret Book and on his website.
All books purchased from the author’s website come with a 100% money-back guarantee! If you don’t think you have learned anything from Bible Verses, If you don’t believe Bible Verses has helped you in any way at all, If you don’t think Bible Verses has helped you on your mission, just let the author know and you will get your purchases price back!
Meet author Valerie Loveless and get a peek at her new book, Enduring Promises of the Heart. "I want people to have a place to escape to, a place they can feel happy and comfortable in, a place where you can bring your mom, grandma and daughter and never feel ashamed. This is why I am dedicated to making and promoting clean content." Valerie Loveless